Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man ... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

When you think about it, 12:15 P.M. is actually 11:75 A.M.

I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused frequent-flier miles they had.

It was just a compulsion. In fact, I soon realized that the only thing I really enjoyed was the actual snorting.

Meow” means “woof” in cat.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

Sex criminals. Completely incurable... I suppose you could outlaw religion and these sex crimes would disappear in a generation or two, but we don't have time for rational solutions.