I try not to see new comics - their acts or their films. Part of that is professional. I don't want to be influenced. But another part is fear and jealousy. I'm afraid to see how good they might be. I don't like that emotion, but it's part of me.

One philosopher has rightly said that property is theft. But I'd like to use my future ownership of property to give something back.

You get to play with people's little danger zones.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush.

If a lobster didn't look like a sci-fi monster, people would be less able to drop him alive into boiling water.

Every time you're exposed to advertising in America you're reminded that this country's most profitable business is still the manufacture, packaging, distribution, and marketing of bullshit. High-quality, grade-A, prime-cut, pure American bullshit.