I try not to see new comics - their acts or their films. Part of that is professional. I don't want to be influenced. But another part is fear and jealousy. I'm afraid to see how good they might be. I don't like that emotion, but it's part of me.

Jesus was a cross-dresser.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.

We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

None of the Christian religions do [interest me]. They're all outer-directed.