The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I’m left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can’t quite remember.

The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.

If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.

My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me.

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

In my fifth-grade yearbook - it's right up there on the top shell - the last page says, "What about your future?" and under my name, it says, "When I grow up, I would like to be either an actor, a radio announcer, an impersonator or a comedian."