Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car."

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.

What I became a comedian for was to get my art out. To get some of these feelings and things I had on my chest out. I don't care if people believe them, listen to them, change their ways, or think, or any of that kind of crap. I'm interested in showing off. I'm the same kid from sixth grade who stood up and said "watch this."