When you're born in this world you're given a ticket to the Freak Show. And when you're born in America, you're given a front row seat. And some of us get to sit there with notebooks.

No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Every time you're exposed to advertising in America you're reminded that this country's most profitable business is still the manufacture, packaging, distribution, and marketing of bullshit. High-quality, grade-A, prime-cut, pure American bullshit.

It's a "keep your fingers crossed" business, the entertainment business.

A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt