I'm not collegial, I don't hang out. I'm soloist, I like my solitude, I don't really hang around with comedians.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that."

I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.

I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I'm expressing them.

When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts. Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.

Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help.