Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

There are only two types of motorists: the idiots who drive slower than me, and the lunatics who go faster.

If someone loves you and they leave and don't come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.