We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years.

If someone loves you and they leave and don't come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire.

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.

Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me!

Weather tonight: dark. Turning partly light by morning.

Dogs and cats get put to sleep; hogs and cows get slaughtered.

Where ideas are concerned, America can be counted on to do one of two things: Take a good idea and run it completely into the ground, or take a bad idea and run it completely into the ground.