The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? "Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself."

The Muslims observe their Sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls around God is completely f***in' worn out.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.

Catholics are against abortions. Catholics are against homosexuals. But, I can't think of anyone who has less abortions than homosexuals!

In the United States, anybody can be President. That's the problem.