If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence.

I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.

You know what I like about the American form of government? They've worked things out so that you're never far from a 7-Eleven.

I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.

Sometimes a little brain damage can help.

Where does the dentist go when he leaves the room?

Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason