I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

On Thanksgiving, you realize you're living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves.

When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.

I always have these little internal monologues. You'll get used to them.

There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.