If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

People have material needs, but you don't need a deodorant for every different day of the week. You don't need four hundred varieties of mustard. This is what I call too many choices. There are too many choices in America.

If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

Religion - religion, at best - at BEST - is like a lift in your shoe. If you need it for a while, and it makes you walk straight and feel better - fine. But you don't need it forever, or you can become permanently disabled. Religion is like a lift in the shoe, and I say just don't ask me to wear your shoes. And let's not go down and nail lifts onto the natives' feet.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.