There's some invisible guy, up in the sky, who can kill you, because he loves you.

I was a class clown, of the classic term for it. I would get the work done easily, and then I would try to deprive other people of their educations. I developed skills for mimicry, and I was a good showoff. I knew how to get attention, and I knew how to do it in a positive funny way.

The main reason women are crazy, is that men are stupid.

Cancer research is a growth industry.

Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people.

Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.