Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not agnostic. I'm an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.

In adolescence you have to separate yourself and establish your identity. So, being very independent anyway, I took charge.

When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons.

I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.

The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.