Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years.

If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.

Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me!

The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election