Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.

If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms.

It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.

It's not in the mainstream media yet, but the biggest jump in skin cancer has occurred since the advent of sunscreens. That kind of thing makes me happy. The fact that people, in pursuit of a superficial look of health, give themselves a fatal disease. I love it when 'reasoning' human beings think they have figured out how to beat something and it comes right back and kicks them in the nuts. God bless the law of unintended consequences. And the irony is impressive: Healthy people, trying to look healthier, make themselves sick. Good!