You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

There's a thrill when you steal something in plain view of other people. When you drop a newspaper over a sign and walk away with it, or take something off a wall and the sound of the glue ripping makes people turn around. Your heart is racing, it's a rush.

A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, 'Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done.

You can't be the fastest gun in town forever. There comes a time when you're not the golden boy, and you have to go off somewhere and figure yourself out.

And, of course, the funniest food of all, kumquats.