You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

Catholics are against abortions. Catholics are against homosexuals. But, I can't think of anyone who has less abortions than homosexuals!

I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan administration.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I don`t understand a belief that there is an invisible being in the sky who watches over us all the time and keeps score and who throws you in a burning pit. I think that's very limiting, very antihuman. It's the way they devised for helping to control people because if they can make you believe in an invisible man who's going to hurt you later, they can make you believe anything!

Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?

To my surprise, my marijuana use has been tapering off steadily.