When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to.

Being a Dodgers fan led to my first Air Force court-martial, but that's another story.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

Know my feelings about traffic laws? Cop didn't see it? I didn't do it.

If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.

I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep.

I grew up in New York wanting to be like those funny men in the movies and on the radio.