Tits always look better in a pink sweater.

Movies and television don't make you violent; all they do is channel the violence more creatively.

The person who is most a part of me is the performer, is the standup, the guy who says, "Hey look at me, listen to this!" I do that because that's what I do, I love doing it.

I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.

The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I’m left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can’t quite remember.

It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it?

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.