The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused frequent-flier miles they had.

A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining.

We're not supposed to mention f***ing in mixed company, but that's exactly where it takes place.

The worst thing about e-mail is that you can’t interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It’s frustrating and it’s time-consuming. God bless phone calls.

Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.