Everybody in America is a part of this big herd of cattle being led to the marketplace, not to be sold, which is usual with cattle, but to do the buying. And everyone is branded.

Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years.

Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence.

I often wonder how different the world would be if Hitler had not been turned down when he applied to art school.

You ever notice that? Any time you see two groups of people who really hate each other, chances are good they're wearing different kind of hats. Keep an eye on that, it might be important.

Why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away?