Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.

The bloodiest, most brutal wars fought, all based on religious hatred. Which is fine with me! Any time a bunch of holy people want to go out and kill each other I'm a happy guy!

I don't like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely surprising, then that's their shock. But there is no joke without surprise.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard

Grass probably helped me as much as it hurt me. Especially as a performer.

When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit.

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.