We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

The person who is most a part of me is the performer, is the standup, the guy who says, "Hey look at me, listen to this!" I do that because that's what I do, I love doing it.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.