To me, smoking pot meant sitting with a newspaper on my legs, rolling the seeds down, pulling the twigs out and finally producing a perfectly cylindrical, absolutely wonderful joint that you either locked at both ends or pinched off, or pinched at one end and left open at the other.

Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.

In my fifth-grade yearbook - it's right up there on the top shell - the last page says, "What about your future?" and under my name, it says, "When I grow up, I would like to be either an actor, a radio announcer, an impersonator or a comedian."

Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, "You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala."

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.

Somewhere in the world is a doctor who is worse than all other doctors...and someone has an appointment with him in the morning.

A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed.