Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive.

People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it's really a pretty good way of finding out something a person doesn't want you to know.

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

You're all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won't happen when you'd like; generally, it's an inconvenience.

One philosopher has rightly said that property is theft. But I'd like to use my future ownership of property to give something back.