Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing a hat that has more than three pastel colors.

In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who 'don't know.' What isn't generally understood is that it's the same people in every poll.

Whenever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.

Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I'm expressing them.