I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man ... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

I did LSD and peyote in the late Sixties, before I got into cocaine. That was concurrent with my change from a straight comic to the album and counterculture period, and those drugs served their purpose. They helped open me up.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.