One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

The highly motivated people in society are the ones causing all the trouble. It's not the lazy unmotivated folks sitting in front of a TV eating potato chips who bother anyone.

I enjoy watching a woman with really bad teeth and a good sense of humor struggling to use her lips and tongue to hide her teeth when she's laughing. I just stand there and tell her joke after joke after joke.

Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people.

Weather tonight: dark. Turning partly light by morning.

The only thing high-definition television will do is provide sharper images of the garbage.

I suspect there really was more to my accident than bad luck. I think it was God's way of punishing my nose.