Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it's very funny.

I'd make Jack Benny look like a philanthropist.

With Katrina, it's almost like the sequel that doesn't live up to the original. It's certainly a shocking event and a tragedy, but somehow as a big event it doesn't seem to carry as much weight with the public as 9/11 did.

A lot of people who claim they're political comedians are just comedians who have opinions. But they stop being funny the minute they give their opinions.

If they'd wanted a nice parrot, they wouldn't have asked for me.

In real life I'm a tall, blond Christian.

You can say "ass," but you can't say "asshole." That's why I always cringe when a character in a TV show refers to someone as an "ass." Unless you're British, calling someone an ass really doesn't work. But those are the rules of television. You can be a dirtbag, but not a scumbag.