Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it's very funny.

I always wish the hotels were like they are in movies and TV shows, where if you're in Paris, right outside your window is the Eiffel Tower. In Egypt, the pyramids are right there. In the movies, every hotel has a monument right outside your window. My hotel rooms overlook the garbage dumpster in the back alley.

I always feel that most political jokes, if you're going to do them, you have to do them within the next five minutes, or else they're outdated. By the time you've got it to the point that it's strong, it would be 12 years old.

The joy of the roasts is to watch people get hurt and offended, and then have to laugh to pretend they're a good sport.

At the Last Supper how come no one sat on the other side of the table? See, I think originally there were people sitting on the other side but those were the people going, You know, the air conditioning hits me right on the back on the neck.

I've done a lot of Fox shows since then - Married with Children, Living Single and a whole bunch of other Fox things.

I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, “They’ll be another one floating by any minute now.”