I find Washington audiences are basically the same as every other audience; they watch me and go, 'Who's idea was it to go see him? And is it too late to ask for my money back?'

I sincerely apologize to anyone who was offended by my attempt at humor regarding the tragedy in Japan. I meant no disrespect, and my thoughts are with the victims and their families.

If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house.

I personally think Miles Davis is a lot funnier than me. And he's working more.

I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.

I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, “They’ll be another one floating by any minute now.”

If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.