I find Washington audiences are basically the same as every other audience; they watch me and go, 'Who's idea was it to go see him? And is it too late to ask for my money back?'

The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever.

If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.

If a comedian tells a joke that you find funny, you laugh. If he tells a joke you do not find funny, dont laugh. Or you could possibly go as far as groaning or rolling your eyes. Then you wait for his next joke; if thats funny, then you laugh. If its not, you dont laugh - or at very worst, you can leave quietly.

With the Internet, if you erase something it just means you have to spend another half-minute to find it.

My family originally lived in Brooklyn. Our first apartment was a little place above my father and uncle's hardware store in Coney Island. Now, don't get the impression that we were surrounded by merry-go-rounds, roller coasters and Ferris wheels. Nope, this was a little side street.

I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept.