I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, “They’ll be another one floating by any minute now.”

If I could cause world peace by taking someone out to lunch, I'd go, 'Well, war isn't that terrible.'

I'd make Jack Benny look like a philanthropist.

I think of Alan Thicke as Perry Como without the excitement.

Reality TV has totally destroyed soap operas. They're gone. They used to be the biggest thing in the world - they're gone.

You never know what people will choose to be offended by.

My Bubbie lived to 104, which is probably a little too old to consider a ripe old age, because she had already started to turn. I still say she died young.