I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, “They’ll be another one floating by any minute now.”

I'm terrible when I have to fill up free time. My days, if I'm not working, I wake up and figure out a way to kill time until it's time to go to sleep.

Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it's very funny.

In real life I'm a tall, blond Christian.

A lot of people who claim they're political comedians are just comedians who have opinions. But they stop being funny the minute they give their opinions.

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

If you're a lead actor, people are just waiting to say 'you're too old' or 'you're too unhip.' If you're a supporting actor, you can just work forever.