I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, “They’ll be another one floating by any minute now.”

If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house.

Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn't have the best eye for detail - and, for a Jew, he doesn't have the best eye for retail, either.

When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters.

Some comedians tell nice jokes that you can tell to your kids. Some use bad words - they work 'blue.' If you don't want to hear a joke that's blue, you shouldn't go to a comedy club where a comedian who makes blue jokes is performing.

I understand being less sexy than Osama bin Laden, but not less sexy than Carrot Top. That, I find offensive.

I'd make Jack Benny look like a philanthropist.