Some comedians tell nice jokes that you can tell to your kids. Some use bad words - they work 'blue.' If you don't want to hear a joke that's blue, you shouldn't go to a comedy club where a comedian who makes blue jokes is performing.

I was Jewish, through and through, although in our house that didn't mean a whole lot. We never went to synagogue. I never had a Bar Mitzvah. We didn't keep kosher or observe the Sabbath. In fact, I'm not so sure I would have known what the Sabbath looked like if it passed me on the street, so how could I observe it?

Reality TV has totally destroyed soap operas. They're gone. They used to be the biggest thing in the world - they're gone.

You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.

I always wish the hotels were like they are in movies and TV shows, where if you're in Paris, right outside your window is the Eiffel Tower. In Egypt, the pyramids are right there. In the movies, every hotel has a monument right outside your window. My hotel rooms overlook the garbage dumpster in the back alley.

A lot of people who claim they're political comedians are just comedians who have opinions. But they stop being funny the minute they give their opinions.