My buddy Tom... he'd been chasing a girl for two years, and he got her the old-fashioned way - dates and listening.

My buddy Tom... he'd been chasing a girl for two years, and he got her the old-fashioned way - dates and listening.

Being brokenhearted is like having broken ribs. On the outside it looks like nothing's wrong, but every breath hurts.

You are not easily forgotten.

I love astute observations and really great wordplay. I love the way that Louis C.K. observes life, and I love the way Patton Oswalt talks about it.

Part of me also knows that this generation is the least racist and most pro-gay, so that's great. But they have a real lack of gravitas. And they have no taste in music. Vampire Weekend? Can we play some music, please? Can we rock out for a minute? Where's your Metallica?

I have two rules when you come to my house on Halloween. Wear a costume - 'cause if you've manned your door at your own house, you know how many kids will roll up, 14 years old with no costume and an attitude. My other rule: don't grab. Let me assess you and then design a candy situation for you.