I want you to be yourself, but not with other dudes.

There's nothing wrong with sending a quick note if you're busy or just want to flirt, but it's hard to have any real interaction over text. In the buffet of communication, text messaging should be a side dish, not the entree.

People say get a job doing something you love. So far no one has offered to hire me to eat Whoppers with a switchblade.

People don't admire you for what you hate, they admire you for what you do about it, and your slacks.

Most people don't want to leave their wife and children behind but many people seem to want to take leave of themselves.

I love to eat. That's why I got so fat; I love to eat. If I don't walk away from a meal hurting, I didn't do it right. If I don't walk away from Thanksgiving dinner feeling like I've been turkey-f**ked in a gingerbread prison, I didn't do it right.

I have two rules when you come to my house on Halloween. Wear a costume - 'cause if you've manned your door at your own house, you know how many kids will roll up, 14 years old with no costume and an attitude. My other rule: don't grab. Let me assess you and then design a candy situation for you.