I like the idea that when a guy comes over to the house, I get to say I wrote the book.

Part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities.

My wife's beautiful. That's why I married her. Because I want to see her every day.

Breakups hurt like a motherf*#ker, but they are not the end of the world. The pain is temporary, and if handled properly, they can even be life-changing.

First of all, never buy a man a plasma TV until you're married. A lot of men once they have a plasma TV they don't need a girlfriend

Cheating gets easier every time it's done. It's only hard the first time, when one feels the sting of morality and the guilt of betraying someone's trust.

Lying, cheating, hiding is the exact opposite of the behavior of a man who's really into you.