I will go anywhere if you say the phrase 'there might be cake.' I would go to the Department of Motor Vehicles, register somebody else's boat in Spanish, a language I do not speak, without ID - for cake.

I love astute observations and really great wordplay. I love the way that Louis C.K. observes life, and I love the way Patton Oswalt talks about it.

Being brokenhearted is like having broken ribs. On the outside it looks like nothing's wrong, but every breath hurts.

You already have one asshole, you don't need another one

As a guy I never liked being told to call, which my wife really never does, and that's why I call her as often as I do.

If a man is really into you, nothing will stop him from being with you - including a fear of intimacy.

Don't you want the guy who'll forget about all the other things in his life before he forgets about you?