I always say that I love magic but I hate magicians. I like being fooled. If you wave your hands in front of my face and I think you're doing a trick, I'm easily impressed. If you pull a quarter out of my ear, I'm quite certain you're a wizard. But I don't like the way most magicians don't act like they're magical; they act like show business dicks.

Cheating gets easier every time it's done. It's only hard the first time, when one feels the sting of morality and the guilt of betraying someone's trust.

My daughter genuinely asked me to hand her the basketball bat. I might be failing as a father.

The time it takes to feel better about a breakup is directly proportional to the time it takes to feel better about yourself.

We have become a sloppy bunch of people. We say things we don’t mean. We make promises we don’t keep.

My buddy Tom... he'd been chasing a girl for two years, and he got her the old-fashioned way - dates and listening.

I'm just saying, tonight, if you're going through a breakup and you're drinking, don't call. Just don't do it. Don't call. Because here's the thing: booze has information in it!