I always say that I love magic but I hate magicians. I like being fooled. If you wave your hands in front of my face and I think you're doing a trick, I'm easily impressed. If you pull a quarter out of my ear, I'm quite certain you're a wizard. But I don't like the way most magicians don't act like they're magical; they act like show business dicks.

We're taught that in life, we should try to look on the bright side. Not in this case. In this case, assume rejection first. Assume you're the rule, not the exception. It's liberating. But we also know it's not an easy concept. -He's not just into you

I believe in love the verb, not the noun.

There are only so many ways to get people to go see stand-up, that it really is about the product; it's not so much about the theme of the show.

If you date, you will meet your share of weirdos and jerks. That is as sure as death and taxes.

..he may love you, he may miss you, but ultimately he's just not that into you.

If I had butterscotch pants and a cheetah sweater... I'd be just fine.