If you date, you will meet your share of weirdos and jerks. That is as sure as death and taxes.

How many presidents, do you think, ever said to another guy: 'I can't believe we're doing this in the White House'?

I will go anywhere if you say the phrase 'there might be cake.' I would go to the Department of Motor Vehicles, register somebody else's boat in Spanish, a language I do not speak, without ID - for cake.

Maybe this is just me, because my priorities have changed as I’ve gotten older. But now I don’t want to be ‘sort of dating’ someone. I don’t want to be ‘kinda hanging out’ with someone. I don’t want to spend a lot of energy suppressing all my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved.

My buddy Tom... he'd been chasing a girl for two years, and he got her the old-fashioned way - dates and listening.

I love to eat. That's why I got so fat; I love to eat. If I don't walk away from a meal hurting, I didn't do it right. If I don't walk away from Thanksgiving dinner feeling like I've been turkey-f**ked in a gingerbread prison, I didn't do it right.

Because here’s what guys don’t do if they can’t live without you: They don’t break up with you.