If my father is walking around going, 'Mmm, pussy,' he's thinking about eating the cat.

I've never tried to pass myself off as anything more than a comedian who wrote a dating book.

Ive learned that anything in life worth having comes from patience and hard work.

A man would rather be trampled by elephants on fire than tell you he's just not that into you.

He's just not that into you if he only wants to see you when he's drunk. If he likes you, he'll want to see you when his judgment isn't impaired.

I will go anywhere if you say the phrase 'there might be cake.' I would go to the Department of Motor Vehicles, register somebody else's boat in Spanish, a language I do not speak, without ID - for cake.

Before you look for validation in others, try and find it in yourself