When a guy is into you, he lets you know it. He calls, he shows up, he wants to meet your friends, he can't keep his eyes or hands off of you.

Part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities.

People don't admire you for what you hate, they admire you for what you do about it, and your slacks.

Young people are gross with their faces and their hope.

I get giddy with the idea of stringing words together that make people laugh.

Most comics worship music on some level. It's more rock-n-roll to get up there for an hour and make people laugh.

Sometimes people change their minds, sometimes they meet someone else, sometimes they get sober, and sometimes he was just a jerk who you're lucky to be rid of.