I have less friends, but I have more Cadbury Eggs.

People say get a job doing something you love. So far no one has offered to hire me to eat Whoppers with a switchblade.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

My buddy Tom... he'd been chasing a girl for two years, and he got her the old-fashioned way - dates and listening.

I'm just saying, tonight, if you're going through a breakup and you're drinking, don't call. Just don't do it. Don't call. Because here's the thing: booze has information in it!

Don't idolize anyone if you can. You know, be inspired by people, certainly, but don't idolize people... Because they'll let you down.

The pain of being in a bad relationship is confusing. When it's over - it's over. No more confusion!