I have less friends, but I have more Cadbury Eggs.

You picked a lemon, throw it away lemonade is overrated. Freaks should remain at the circus, not in your apartment. You already have one asshole. You don’t need another. Make a space in your life for the glorious things you deserve. Have faith.

Most comics worship music on some level. It's more rock-n-roll to get up there for an hour and make people laugh.

Be yourself. If something you do doesn't work, don't do it the next time. Listen to yourself - you know what appropriate behavior is.

It's very tempting when you really want to be with someone to settle for much, much less - even a vague pathetic facsimile of less - than you would have ever imagined. Remember always what you set out to get, and please don't settle for less. These guys exist because there are a lot of women out there who allow them to.

If a man is really into you, nothing will stop him from being with you - including a fear of intimacy.

We have become a sloppy bunch of people. We say things we don’t mean. We make promises we don’t keep.