I have less friends, but I have more Cadbury Eggs.

Most comics worship music on some level. It's more rock-n-roll to get up there for an hour and make people laugh.

I'm just saying, tonight, if you're going through a breakup and you're drinking, don't call. Just don't do it. Don't call. Because here's the thing: booze has information in it!

Bored with the same type of misery over and over and over again.

The pain of being in a bad relationship is confusing. When it's over - it's over. No more confusion!

The one cool thing with getting older is that you can actively choose to just be an eccentric.

I've never tried to pass myself off as anything more than a comedian who wrote a dating book.