Let's start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there's something better out there is to first believe there's something better out there. What other choice is there?

Most comics worship music on some level. It's more rock-n-roll to get up there for an hour and make people laugh.

I'm certain prison is pretty rough as it is but imagine if you were a murderer and a foodie!

I mean, I feel like you can kill the same bird with both stones.

People don't admire you for what you hate, they admire you for what you do about it, and your slacks.

So, I'm 34. I'm kind of becoming an adult - kind of, I guess. But I know that I am because, the other day, I said to somebody, 'Dude, dude, don't - those are the good plates.

You already have one asshole, you don't need another one