I love to eat. That's why I got so fat; I love to eat. If I don't walk away from a meal hurting, I didn't do it right. If I don't walk away from Thanksgiving dinner feeling like I've been turkey-f**ked in a gingerbread prison, I didn't do it right.

I'm just not interested in daytime television, which is something you should remember the next time somebody offers you a daytime talk show.

I've never tried to pass myself off as anything more than a comedian who wrote a dating book.

If a guy truly likes you, but for personal reasons he needs to take things slow, he will let you know that immediately. He won’t keep you guessing, because he’ll want to make sure you don’t get frustrated and go away.

There are only so many ways to get people to go see stand-up, that it really is about the product; it's not so much about the theme of the show.

I believe in love the verb, not the noun.

A friend of mine told a story about a date with a guy she was really excited about: He stood her up. He then called her, begging her forgiveness and giving some excuse. She told him to get lost, telling him that he only gets one shot with her, and he blew it.