No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

I'd like to meet the person who invented sex and see what they're working on now.

Hey, when I said work fast, I didn't mean your friend, I meant the maid.

Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

Whatever it is, I'm against it.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.