Poverty makes people sub-human Excess of wealth makes people inhuman

Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot. I implore you, send him back to his father and brothers, who are waiting for him with open arms in the penitentiary. I suggest that we give him ten years in Leavenworth, or eleven years in Twelveworth.

Women should be obscene, not heard.

Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.