Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

[Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.

If you are not having fun you are doing something wrong.

I started smoking as soon as I went on the stage. I'd make cigars out of the Morning World when I was a kid.

Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.