I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

That's bad luck: three on a midget. From "At The Circus

I love to read. My education is self-inflicted

I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor.