I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

You've forgotten those June nights at the Riviera...the night I drank Champagne from your slipper - two quarts. It would have been more but you were wearing inner soles.

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

Chico: "Here's the book, it's a dollar" Groucho: "Here's a ten, and shoot the change." Chico: "I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books.

Always examine the dice.

Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I've got a nickel in my pocket

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.