The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Two women at a resort discussed dinner: "The food here is lousy," the first noted. "You're right! And such small portions!!" the second added

I'd have liked to have gone to bed with Jean Harlow. She was a beautiful broad. The fellow who married her was impotent and he killed himself. I would have done the same thing.

I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.

Oh, are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah-He used to live in whales for a while

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.