The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Do they allow tipping on the boat? - Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? - Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.

Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.

Hey you! I told you to slow that nag down! Because of you, I almost heard the opera!

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.