One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?

Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication

Poverty makes people sub-human Excess of wealth makes people inhuman

The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.

I'd have liked to have gone to bed with Jean Harlow. She was a beautiful broad. The fellow who married her was impotent and he killed himself. I would have done the same thing.

I have an agreement with the houseflies. The flies don't practice law and I don't walk on the ceiling.