I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.

Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication

I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

The foods that are recommended today are as palatable as a steady diet of wet blotters.

I would never join a country club with standards so low as to allow me as a member.

Women should be obscene, not heard.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.