Do they allow tipping on the boat? - Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? - Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.

Comedians are a much rarer and far more valuable commodity than all the gold and precious stones in the world.

Hey, when I said work fast, I didn't mean your friend, I meant the maid.

This isn't a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed.

Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor.

It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

I'll never forget my wedding day... they threw vitamin pills