You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have!

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you'll duck soup for the rest of your life

Do they allow tipping on the boat? - Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? - Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.