You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have!

In any relationship, the woman has control, the clever ones don't let the men know.

Now that you're Secretary of War, what kind of an army do you think we ought to have?

I think you've got something there, but I'll wait outside until you clean it up.

The only real laughter comes from despair.

The difference between a politician and a snail is that the snail leaves its slime behind. Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.