I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world? Woman: Really? Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.

The Two Most Important Words In The World Are Honesty And Sincerity, If You Can Fake These You've Got It Made.

I think that the Peeps or Peppies or Pipes diaries would be much more popular had there been a universal pronuncation of his name.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.

I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.